Life of Should vs Life of Must

In famous theory of human motivation, Abraham Maslow has presented hierarchy of Needs. And on that pyramid, self-actualization comes on the top. Self-actualization is the need where person actually unleashes one’s true potential to the fullest to become the person what one is capable of becoming.

While working for the self-actualization, one has to be in complete charge of one’s own life. One has to make decisions of all kind – right, hard and smart – and stick to it throughout the journey until the goal is realized.

However, there are two crossroads on the path of self-actualization, where we end up coming over and over again. Actually, these are also the two ways to live life: A life of SHOULD and a life of MUST.

These Should and Must affect almost all of our decisions and hence the course of life at large.

What Is the Life of Should and a Life of Must?

A life of Should is a life where other people dictate us what is good for us and what should we be busy doing today, tomorrow, day after tomorrow and all days of our life ever after!

In life of Should we end up choosing most things in our life based on the criteria set by others. What others perceived as a right thing to do, we live religiously by following those measurements. Why? Just to look O.K. in the eyes of others or so that everyone else perceives us as normal. Many of us live a life of Should, and we always have all reasons and explanations for that.

Life of Should won’t help us get or be what we want in our life – on time.

A life of Must is different. This starts from a call deep inside of us, where we stop looking for external affirmation and start connecting with our own values, believes, and dreams firmly and now without making any compromise with them.

A life of Must is must to realize the need of self-actualization.

What Happens When We Do not Live the Life of Must?

When who we are and what we do, are not matching with each other, we don’t enjoy doing what we are doing.

That is the life of Should that somebody else has dictated for us, and we accepted it without consulting our truest and innermost self, our own interests, our own capabilities. As a result? Suffering, confusion, frustration, stress and loss of happiness becomes our permanent guests in our mind and heart. It feels like we are not living our life but just dragging it by each passing day.

Wrong choices made in selecting career, job or relationship leaves a big mark on the face of our life.

When you don’t decide for yourself, others are ready to decide and design your life.

There is also one more side of this. When we are engrossed in living our daily routine, we have so many things in our mind that we want to do, and we also agree that we should be doing this, however we never act upon them.

For example, how many times you have felt following things:

• I should do exercise regularly.
• I should be eating healthy food.
• I should do meditation regularly.
• I should watch less TV.
• I should read few good books in a year.
• I should explore one passive income idea.
• I should spend more time with my family and less overtime at work.
• I should explore my hobbies and interests.
• I should care for my people, friends, and my community and spend time with them.
• I should improve upon my language skills, writing skills, listening skills, public speaking skills.
• I should build my emergency fund and down payment for my home.
• I should start side business.

What does this suggest?

A lack of clarity?
A lack of priority?
Decisions – postponed?
Procrastination on things that matters over things that have been designed in your daily routine by others? –

All of these and more.

These are actually your Must items that has become part of Should list now.

Suppose above Should list is your very own, now let’s do one exercise.

Read each sentence aloud.
Now replace the word Should with Must.
Again read each sentence aloud.

Here try this…
• I MUST do exercise regularly.
• I MUST be eating healthy food.
• I MUST do meditation regularly.
• I MUST watch less TV.
• I MUST read few good books in a year.
• I MUST explore one passive income idea.
• I MUST spend more time with my family and less overtime at work.
• I MUST explore my hobbies and interests.
• I MUST care for my people, friends, and my community and spend time with them.
• I MUST improve upon my language skills, writing skills, listening skills, public speaking skills.
• I MUST build my emergency fund and down payment for my home.
• I MUST start side business.

How did you feel? Did you feel some sort of spark in your brain? Some current of energy flowing in your nerves?

Must adds urgency and importance both at the same time, and that time is NOW, this-very-moment. When you choose the path of Must, the very first thing happens is that you no longer dependent for external motivation, you’re self-inspired to shape your destiny. Undying enthusiasm just flows in your nerves and veins now.

We want to change. However, we are caught up in our daily life, job, career and relationship so much so that we just keep doing what we have been doing; thinking that one day will come in our life where we will do what we want to do. In fact, that moment never comes on it’s own, you have to bring that moment forcefully into your life.

What Are the Hurdles in Pursuit of Life of Must?

1. It’s too late to change now: This is the biggest BS your mind plays against you. There is never too late for anything to begin. History of all cultures is full of great people who started learning many things at late age, and still became great at it. For example, Rabindranath Tagore, an Indian poet, philosopher, painter, and a Nobel Prize winner, actually started learning painting at the age of 63 without any formal training
2.  Comfort zone makes you lazy: To the degree we’re not living our dreams, our comfort zone has more control of us than we have over ourselves. However, your true life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Remember, no one can break your comfort zone, except you.
3. Money: Suppose you are end up doing a job which you don’t like, but the monetary reward it brings matters a lot in your life. In this case, you won’t change your Should to Must. Why? Because often people without courage pretend to be contented. They fear to walk the unknown, untraded path of Must. “Why to take unnecessary risk?” – is their biggest question. Often they forget the risk of unutilized power, unnoticed skills, and undeveloped talents is way more damaging to your being.
4. Duties: Should is not always a bad thing. Sometime Must had to wait because Should means your family is safe and secure, and they count on what Should provides. In this case then you better love what you are doing without crying and complaining. However there is a way to make it to your Must, if you’re really burning for it. How? Read on.

Personally, I believe the only biggest reason you don’t take on the life of Must is FEAR.

Fear of failure, fear of unknown and fear of losing what you have are common in them.

Thinking will not help overcome these fears, but action will. So let’s take an action to deal with our fears.

Take a pen and paper and write down all your fear one by one.

For example,

• I am afraid of losing my current income source if I pursue my interests.
• I am afraid I will not be able to make enough to pay my bills and mortgage.
• I fear rejection or criticism.
• I fear being ridiculed among my friends, family, and peers.
• I fear waste of time, money and resources.
• I fear I don’t have it enough in me that I should even think of pursuing my interests.

And so on and so forth.

Now take a deep breath-in and out, and look at each of your fear and have dialogue with each of them. Ask what is it that I am afraid of? What is the worst thing that can happen to me?

Research says, 83% of our fears never come true; 14% of our fears we have control over and we can change the outcome; only 3% of our fear is out of our control yet rarely becomes reality.

So, our “real” life is controlled by things that usually don’t come true in the future.

The only fear we are born with is the fear of loud noises and bright lights. The rest of your fears were learned, and the primary teachers were your family and close people. The next teachers were your own experiences and imaginations.

Fear is FALSE-EVIDENCE-ABOUT-REALITY and nothing else. Period.

So What’s the Solution?

• For all small things such as eating healthy and watching less tv, doing exercise etc. take the complete control of your life and move this items immediately into your Must list and start doing it from Now.
• For changing your current career or job to something which is around your interests, skills, or passion; no need to quit your job right away. Instead, just seat, research, and prepare a plan to approach your goal. Include daily or weekly actions in this goal achievement process. Starting from today, take the control in your hand and start taking those baby steps now. Record your progress. Feel free to modify your plan as you progress in your journey.
• There is one powerful word called – NO. If you are saying YES to your big opportunity or pursuing your passion, start practicing to say NO to all other opportunities which come on your way. Do not let yourself deviate or get tempted. Focus on one thing at a time.
• Being comfortably consistent in taking small steps regularly in the direction you want to move, is the ultimate key to achievement.
• The best way to make money is to figure out what is your Must and then to give yourself for it. Remember that the person whose inner call, interests (skills) and earning resource are all one and the same, is the happiest person in the world. Such person makes money beyond imagination and certainly more than the Should job/career one is settled for.

Let me end with one important clarification here, I am not saying here that one thing is superior than the other. I strongly believe that a life of Should and a life of Must both can be beautiful if we are living that life with utmost clarity of thoughts, dedication, peace of mind, without complain and with smile. Smile and Peace are all that matters. Let me not dictate it for you that you SHOULD be living a life of MUST – then again it’s not a life of Must for you. Decide yourself. Be your own judge.

What life you are living – a life of Should or a life of Must? Do you have any action plan to live a life of Must? If yes, please share and leave a comment below.

Have Fun!

Bharat Jhala :)

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